So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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