you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
