It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
