Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
