I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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