My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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