I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
