His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
