i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
