you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
