I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
