The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
