i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
