My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
