I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
