Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
