All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
