he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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