Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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