i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
