Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize