I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
