at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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