Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize