Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
