omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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