I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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