i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
