I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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