I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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