im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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