no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Randomize
