well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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