They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
