are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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