if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize