My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
