Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize