i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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