I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
