Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
