An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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