I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
