Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
