Redeem this text for a blowjob
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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