My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
