I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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