and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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