Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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