A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
