there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
