last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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