I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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