My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
