Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
