why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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