god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
