i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
