Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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